full disclosure: this isn't at all how the media/thoughts page looked at all. they were all in separate pages and navigating that would be annoying so i had to make a new layout for it
i was doing a lot of reading from 2022-2024 and writing my thoughts on them for no real reason. i consider these "required reading" (alongside a certain author's novels) on my person because these were pretty formative years
hopefully these aren't too cringey, heeheehee.. 
there is a really funny bit where a wandering salesman/entertainer visits the main girls (Laura and Carmilla, the vampire). he notices that Carmilla has two really sharp teeth "like a fish," and offers to file it down.
yes Carmilla is offended as hell but also i can't believe that such a foreboding novel allows this to happen. people have been making vampire jokes like this for YEARS it seems. that's hilarious
In an instant he unrolled a leather case, full of all manner of odd little steel instruments.
[...]
"Your noble friend, the young lady at your right, has the sharpest tooth... here are my file, my punch, my nippers; I will make it round and blunt, if her ladyship pleases; no longer the tooth of a fish, but of a beautiful young lady as she is. Hey? Is the young lady displeased? Have I been too bold? Have I offended her?"
oh yeah if you didn't know this is about VAMPIRES. YOW!!!!!!
it's thanks to this youtube short that i found out about it. it's accompanied by some gorgeous art so even if you're not interested in the story you should watch it anyways, cuz art is awesome.
most references to the Carmilla text are how it preceded Bram Stoker's Dracula. and how it's about lesbians. it's really short as well, only 100 pages, so if you have an hour or so to kill you should check it out. i don't know anything about vampire lore, especially the one used in Carmilla, so i was still surprised by what took place.
honestly there are a lot of weird things going on with Carmilla, or general vampirism in this story. they're restricted by a lot of rules so it's almost like they're acting out of possession. they have an "animal-like" way of doing things, by which i mean having to follow strange rules for seemingly no reason
vampires are inherently romantic. they don't suck the life out of random unlucky passerby, instead it's something akin to a mating ritual. or a parasite finding an ideal host. for Carmilla, that was rich girls her age. she works together with a woman who pretends to be her mother, who asks if Carmilla could be taken care of while she has to go on some urgent journey. because Carmilla is sooo charming and the girl really likes her and wants her to stay, her father, or whoever is in charge of the house, has no choice but to relent
to the girls she preys on, it's like a dream that slowly descends into a nightmare. they get sickly and have terrifying nightmares of some person or creature in their room, while Carmilla remains distant, but still loving
It was like the ardor of a love, it embarrassed me; it was hateful and yet over-powering; and with gloating eyes she drew me to her, and her hot lips traveled along my cheek in kisses; and she would whisper, almost in sobs, "You are mine, you shall be mine, you and I are one for ever."
it was said that Carmilla had a boy for a lover when she was alive. disregarding whatever evilness lesbianism had meant at the time, why does she only go for girls? in this story, vampires are born out of a person's suicide, their spirit possessing the body. maybe she was so unhappy with the boy that in her undead state, she aims to fulfill the love she had wanted?
personally, i can't get over the restrictions of vampirism, it makes Carmilla so much more like an animal acting out of survival to me. the biggest ones to me were how she has to go back to her coffin every night and how she's forever stuck as "Carmilla" and fake names must be an anagram of that. i guess it's a testament to how much the soul is restricted in a vampire. she can't escape her death and goes back every night. she can't forfeit her name because its attached to her body... something like that?
Does anyone remember Ender's Game? I've spent so many years on social media and have not seen a single thing about it. The movie for it came out in 2013. I watched it, but it wasn't until a year or so ago that I even knew it was based on a book. And that the book was a part of a series. It's because of a song that I remembered the movie at all.
Take me home
In my dream you said that you loved me
I am your perfect
Shoutout to the Genius annotator that recognized the reference. I never would have known otherwise.
But, the last time I listened to that song was in January! I began reading the series only last month! (October 2022). So you have to understand that this feeling of curiosity towards Ender's Game was a flickering flame that suddenly exploded. I don't know why. I was feeling nostalgic because it was around the time of my birthday, maybe.
Ender's Game was written to be a sort of prequel. Orson Scott Card, the author, did not intend for "background information" to be the popular one. Or at least that's what I read in a GoodReads review.
This will mostly be a summarization of the novel. Whatever opinion I had on it was overshadowed by the opinion I have on the entire series. This isn't a bad thing. What I mean is that this novel is so good, I just want to write about the things I like about it. And that's the entire story, sooo...
It's a story set in the future, where Earth has nearly been wiped out by space creatures called the buggers. It has been peaceful for awhile, which leaves every person in fear of their return, whenever it will be. Battle School is created to find and train the child who will be the next Mazer Rackham, the commander who saved Earth from total destruction. There won't be another bugger invasion, like before. The next time they fought, it will be humans who initiated it.
The government only allows two children. Any children born after that are shunned for being an unnecessary mouth to feed. Ender is that child: a Third. He is born because his siblings were close to being perfect, to being the next Mazer Rackham, and so the government requested a Third. The first was too violent and the second was too mild, so Ender is the one who would be the perfect mix of the two.
(Which is so crazy, btw? The parents are never plot relevant again, but you'd think the people who birthed three genius children would also have some capacity to do something. After saying goodbye to Ender, the only relevance they have is to serve as a way for their children to post on the internet. Lmao.)
Besides that, there is so much intrigue within the book. We're looking through the eyes of Ender, who has no idea what's going on, yet is still smart enough to overcome any test the Battle School gives him. But there are still things that escape him. While we have become sort of familiar with this could be Earth through Ender's reactions, it's things like the Fantasy Game that show that there are mysteries still unsolved.
The Fantasy Game is just... wow. At first we're led to believe that the game is fucked up on purpose. And it's supposed to be, it's designed to identify which kids are on the verge of breaking. But it was never supposed to be as piercing and intrusive as Ender discovers it to be. It's afterwards everything within the game transpires that we find out how unsettling it really is. What it was doing and showing Ender, was never programmed. Things like that just don't happen, not even in this future.
Another fascinating aspect of the book is its tender moments. They are so few and far in between, because Ender is in an environment that is degrading to both his body and mind, that they become so special.
On impulse Ender hugged him, tight, almost as if he were Valentine. He even thought of Valentine then and wanted to go home. "I don't want to go," he said.
Alai hugged him back. "I understand them, Ender. You are the best of us. Maybe they're in a hurry to teach you everything."
"They don't want to teach me everything," Ender said. "I wanted to learn what it was like to have a friend."
Alai nodded soberly. "Always my friend, always the best of my friends," he said. Then he grinned. "Go slice up the buggers."
"Yeah." Ender smiled back.
Alai suddenly kissed Ender on the cheek and whispered in his ear. "Salaam." Then, red faced, he turned away and walked to his own bed at the back of the barracks. Ender guessed that the kiss and the word were somehow forbidden. A suppressed religion, perhaps. Or maybe the word had some private and powerful meaning for Alai alone. Whatever it meant to Alai, Ender knew that it was sacred; that he had uncovered himself for Ender, as once Ender's mother had done when he was very young, before they put the monitor in his neck, and she had put her hands on his head when she thought he was asleep, and prayed over him. Ender had never spoken of that to anyone, not even to Mother, but had kept it as a memory of holiness, of how his mother loved him when she thought that no one, not even he, could see or hear. That was what Alai had given him: a gift so sacred that even Ender could not be allowed to understand what it meant.
After such a thing nothing could be said. Alai reached his bed and turned around to see Ender. Their eyes held for only a moment, locked in understanding. Then Ender left.
This is a scene that has continued to stick with me, even after moving on to the rest of the series. It is a heartaching moment. It's the last time for a few years that he'll ever experience such kindness again.
The call back to this scene only makes it hurt more.
"Salaam, Alai."
"Alas, it is not to be."
"What isn't?"
"Peace. It's what salaam means. Peace be unto you."
The words brought forth an echo from Ender's memory. His mother's voice reading to him softly, when he was very young. Think not that I came to send peace on earth. I came not to send peace, but a sword.
[...]
Ender turned around.
Alai was already gone. He felt like part of himself had been taken away, an inward prop that was holding up his courage and confidence. With Alai, to a degree impossible even with Shen, Ender had come to feel a unity so strong that the word we came to his lips much more easily than I.
Of course, Ender makes it. Of course, he is the next Mazer Rackham. What Alai said was true, peace was never meant for Ender.
"I killed them all, didn't I?" Ender asked.
"All who?" asked Graff. "The buggers? That was the idea."
Mazer leaned in close. "That's what the war was for."
"All their queens. So I killed all their children, all of everything."
"They decided that when they attacked us. It wasn't your fault. It's what had to happen."
Ender grabbed Mazer's uniform and hung onto it, pulling him down so they were face to face. "I didn't want to kill them all. I didn't want to kill anybody! I'm not a killer! You didn't want me, you bastards, you wanted Peter, but you made me do it, you tricked me into it!" He was crying. He was out of control.
"Of course we tricked you into it. That's the whole point," said Graff.
The references that the song make come entirely from the ending point of the novel. I love how that's how it all worked out, I mean at this point I wasn't even reading only to find the references first-hand, but it was a full circle moment for me.
When I first began to reminisce on the movie I remembered how emotional the ending was.
Ender never wanted to be a killer, much less a person to wipe out the only other species with similar intelluctual capability (who also came from space!). I remember the ending to have him crying, both out of shame, and then of relief. He didn't wipe out all of the buggers. Safe inside its cocoon, Ender finds the egg that holds a Hive Queen, who had the capability of bringing back the buggers from extinction.
Ender was always tormented by the thought of becoming his violent brother. It was killing that first got him admitted into Battle School, and he was forced again in Battle School.
"They're bound to ice him. Troublemaker. Him and his stinking honor."
Then, to Dink's surprise, Ender began to cry. Lying on his back, still soaking wet with sweat and water, he gasped his sobs, tears seeping out of his closed eyelids and disappearing in the water on his face.
"Are you all right?"
"I didn't want to hurt him!" Ender cried. "Why didn't he just leave me alone!"
It's a great moment of forgiveness from the Hive Queen, for her to recognize that Ender did not know that he was killing them. To trust him to find a safe place for the buggers to be reborn is the redemption Ender always wanted, and deserved.
Hate and love that itās a family drama first because the relationships between raskolnikov and his family is so .. wholesome. In a Way. but the man who was going to marry dounia was so boring and unremarkable (i donāt even remember his name). glad he became irrelevant
svidrigailov is such a banger of a character. heās just so goofy and fucked up but also the only one to really see through raskol. his introduction is one of my favorite parts
'Don't be angry, Rodion Romanovitch, but you seem to be somehow awfully strange yourself. Say what you like, there's something wrong with you, and now, too ... not this very minute, I mean, but now, generally ... Well, well, I won't, I won't ... don't scowl! I am not such a bear, you know, as you think.'
Raskolnikov looked gloomily at him.
āhey donāt be mad but thereās something wrong with you, not right now but just in general. Please stop frowningā (cut to raskol frowning)
it was interesting getting to see some of the bits that may have inspired american psycho. there was only like 2 big ones that were obvious to me, one being pat/jean parallels to raskol/sonya
they arenāt Completely Alike (raskolās relationship is at least confirmed and heād never endanger her) but how they act towards their respective girls were so similar in that they were hot then cold, and always distant
'Well, that's all. Be careful, though. Will you come and see me in prison when I am there?'
'Oh, I will, I will.'
They sat side by side, both mournful and dejected, as though they had been cast up by the tempest alone on some deserted shore. He looked at Sonia and felt how great was her love for him, and strange to say he felt it suddenly burdensome and painful to be so loved. Yes, it was a strange and awful sensation! On his way to see Sonia he had felt that all his hopes rested on her; he expected to be rid of at least part of his suffering; and now, when all her heart turned towards him, he suddenly felt that he was immeasurable unhappier than before.
'Sonia,' he said, 'you'd better not come and see me when I am in prison.'
like this switch up is so funny to me just because itās so real and fucked up
iām not sure how to feel about raskolās treatment but at least heās by her side when it matters most (referring to sonya being accused of stealing). i just hope he grows out of his ā¦. oscillating temperament but that seems to be implied by the epilogue. so good for them!
honestly all intense scenes centered around the girls (sonya and dounia. oh huh i didnāt realize they rhymed. if iām pronouncing them right) were so very good. the one where svidrigailov confronted dounia was !!!! straight out of an action movie. it was a meeting that was already highly anticipated but it still managed to blow it out of the park
anyways. this shit took me a month to read and it was exhausting but fun. i enjoyed the listlessness feeling of it all and raskol was a wonderful narrator to follow
ending this with another favorite interaction:
'One time you used to go out, you say, to teach children. But why is it you do nothing now?'
'I am doing ...' Raskolnikov began sullenly and reluctantly.
'What are you doing?'
'Work...'
'What sort of work?'
'I am thinking,' he answered seriously after a pause.
Nastasya was overcome with a fit of laughter.
- OKAY YEAH: confirmed by the writer, Susie didnāt know until her time at the studio. She was also twisting the dreams Blanc was sending her (probably why Blanc decided to stop) and she was the presence making the ritual seem off to Blanc.
- And my guess was right! When she says she knows who she is, thatās when sheās figured it out. (Huh, extremely obvious in hindsight)
- Also, turns out that they tried to use Sara for a host as well :( explains why sheās so fucked up by the end and wishes to die. The article says that she and Patricia have become āhalf-humanā because of the failed transfer
Sara: You're making some kind of deal with them.
Susie: I don't know what you're talking about.
Sara: The Matrons.
Susie: Whatever you have in your head, Sara, nothing is wrong.
Sara: How can you know what they'll ask of you in return?
Susie: Nothing's wrong.
Sara: You just haven't seen the bill yet.
letterboxd can be helpful sometimes
"Ah, Lacan!"
out of all the gruesome, unforgettable images whirling around in my head after seeing Suspiria on halloween, i keep coming back to this offhand comment made by dr. klemperer. it's a bit difficult to tell if his, "Ah, Lacan!" is sneering or impressed, if the doctor rejects or regards the controversial french psychologist's work. either way, there is definite validity in applying it to the film, especially since directer luca guadagnino comes from an academic background.
so let's talk film theory, ladies and germs! i have a cinema studies degree and i swear to god i'm gonna use it for something!
Lacan's theory of the "mirror stage" refers to the moment that infants begin to recognize themselves in the mirror, usually between the ages of six to eighteen months. they begin to have a sense of their own identity in relation to others around them, creating their own "imago." in other words, it is this moment when our consciousness identifies that there is a difference between the Real (our physical self) and the Specular (our ideal self). lacan theorizes that we then spend the rest of our lives desiring to become a unified self again, as we were before the mirror stage.
if lacan suggests that the ideal self is reflected in the mirror, then the ideal body is the one laying on the floor of that mirrored room. grotesquely contorted, bones sharply imprinting against bruised skin, soul unequivocally given to the dance. many would perceive this heap of rotting, soiled flesh as revolting, the antithesis to the ideal. to mother suspiriorum, it's a captivating coalescence of carrion. it's beautiful.
yes, yes, it's beautiful.
keep dancing.
also this youtube comment under thom playing Unmade:
Death's words "Come under my wings little bird". Terrifyingly Beautiful.
When this song played, I immediately thought of the Wasteland epigraph by Eliot: "For with my own eyes I saw the Sibyl hanging in a bottle, and when the young boys asked her, 'Sibyl, what do you want?', she replied, 'I want to die'." She had asked for eternal life, but neglected to ask for eternal youth.
the full quote is:
āNam Sibyllam quidem Cumis ego ipse oculis meis vidi in ampulla pendere, et cum illi pueri dicerent: Ī£ĪÆĪ²Ļ Ī»Ī»Ī± Ļį½· ĪøĪĪ»ĪµĪ¹Ļ; respondebat illa: Ī¬ĻĪæĪøĪ±Ī½ĪµĆ®Ī½ ĪøĪĪ»Ļ.ā
eliot showing off both greek and latin - great flex man. š
which can have a translation of:
I saw with my own eyes the Sibyl at Cumae hanging in a cage, and when the boys said to her: āSibyl, what do you want?ā she answered: āI want to die.ā
went into this somewhat blind. i've listened to some of the musical but never bothered learning the plot. what's strange is that i've owned this book (a physical copy) for years... it's been so long i don't even know why i have it
i couldn't even read this the first time i tried. lol. i was younger and the prose was unlike anything i've been given at school. but now that i'm Older and Wiser, i can finally understand....
my favorite character is probably glinda (or originally galinda).. i mean what's not to love about her and her relationship with elphaba. it was always so enjoyable for elphaba to be like "i know you have a brain in there.. i know you can think! so think!"
this directly results in one of my favorite scenes in the novel, where they're adults and walking in the garden after years of no contact... and glinda clocks elphaba's daddy issues like OH MY GODDD GLINDA YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT..
(alongside this is the fact that elphaba has basically worshipped glinda during all the years they've been separated. just brutal)
then there's also the time she was galinda and then she wasn't, another one of my favorite parts. the imagery of a girl who used to talk and talk and talk about nothing to being barely responsive because she's deeply affected by what happened... so good
but yeah enough glinda worship. (lol) 
i keep thinking about the scene of the wizard walking into the ocean... there's just something about it. it's so mysterious but the subtext of Something is definitely there and i love that it's why elphaba is "allergic" to water
like it's not completely random because we get to see how elphaba's mother has influenced her as well, during the time she spent with fiyero. !!! it's just very interesting to me: the patterns that elphaba's parents have set, the ones that she unknowingly follows. an interesting topic both in and out of fiction
i haven't read the rest of the series (i was somewhat exhausted after reading this) but i've honestly kind of convinced myself through writing this, lol. because i've heard... the rest of the series focuses on elphaba's and glinda's kids !!! (that they had with other people, not each other)
so i wonder how they're going to deal with the possibility of following their parents' footsteps... it should be an interesting read !!
i didn't know anything about deadly premonition except for the clip of northernlion getting his ass handed to him by prewritten dialogue. it just so happened that one day youtube recommended me his deadly premonition 2 series and i thought the clip was pretty funny so i decided to watch it....
really great. watched all 17 hours of it. it's one of those games that i think most would prefer to watch someone else play, rather than play themselves (but i don't like playing games so that may be influencing it). there's a lot of dead air thanks to the fact that your main mode of transportation is skateboarding, but that's when the personality you're watching makes up for it
the beginning of the game has such a different atmosphere than the rest of it. we're playing as FBI agent aaliyah davis and alongside her partner, simon jones, and we're about to confront retired agent francis zach morgan. it was so serious and i thought that this was it, this was going to be the entire game, and then we move into morgan's perspective from the past, which um, doesn't carry the same tone (i mean the first thing he iterates is that he's forced to skateboard because someone stole his car)
morgan is such a great character. for a few weeks after i finished watching i would find myself saying things in a manner similar to his. i can't remember any good quotes from him right now, but NL described him to have "little brother energy" if that helps. he's annoying but in an endearing way
it's only thanks to the youtube comments that discuss the previous game that i could know that the series is based on childhood trauma, which explains morgan's whole deal (i mean he's not normal but now it's explainable). there's a moment i keep thinking about at the beginning of the game, where morgan signs a silly contract with his child partner in crime, patricia woods, to promise that he will protect her from all evil in the world
the contract comes back in the end, used as sort of a shield, in anime-esque fashion (i really don't know how to describe it). it's all very sweet to me because it's defending a promise made during childhood, a time of innocence and folly. no matter how "silly" it was to engage with your inner playfulness, it's still important to do and something you owe your younger self
yeah, yeah.... pretend i'm lighting a cigarette the way morgan does it
admittedly the story isn't for everyone and can be confusing to follow (i was definitely lost for a lot of it, don't get me wrong) but it wraps up very nicely... the video call between morgan and patricia was wholesome
as for other aspects of the game: the voice acting is phenomenal, banger soundtrack, and aaliyah is goated. yippie!
